


Tear in My Heart

by Krzteena



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Catholicism, Christianity, Depression, I wrote this two years ago sorry in advance, M/M, Religion, church, twenty one pilots - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 23:51:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13512357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krzteena/pseuds/Krzteena
Summary: Dan and Phil go to a chill, non-judgmental, religious Youth Group with other Youtubers who felt relevant to me in 2016 scattered in. It's pretty fluffy and rated G.





	Tear in My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2016 and everything I do makes me cringe so this inevitably makes me cringe. Anyway, I want to get back into writing again so I thought I'd keep all my work in one place. Here we are. Catch me on tumblr @ thefaceonmyscreenispressuringme.tumblr.com also thanks to botanistlester.tumblr.com for being absolutely amazing and beta'ing for lil ole' me when Rachel's this excellent writer whose work I still, and especially now, fangirl over. 
> 
> Original Author's Note:  
> The lyrics to “Tear in My Heart” are, for the most part, in no order. I’m a non-judgmental atheist/agnostic and the retreat in this story is heavily based off of my own experiences being in a really chill Youth Group when I was a Catholic. The people there weren’t homophobic or anything and there were a few openly LGBT people in the real youth group. Dan’s chronic depression is also based off of my own experiences. I don’t want to convey that being in a relationship will end one’s depression but I have experienced the weirdest things to break my numbness so I thought this would be cool.
> 
> (I'm LGBT myself but I wasn't out when I attended that youth group which I'm now remembering properly, was actually kind of problematic. Oh well. One can dream. Maybe the characters in this were problematic too idk i haven't read it in a long time)

_An-nyŏng-ha-se-yo_

_Sometimes you gotta bleed to know_

_That you’re alive and have a soul_

Today was the retreat. It was Dan’s fourth and final time joining his Youth Group on a semi-religious two-nighter, about three hours from their town. Most people became weepy and sentimental by this prospect. Even Year Tens cried the Sunday when they said their goodbyes, choked up about how they’d grown from being part of the experience.

Dan never got that way. Everyone there was nice and he made a few friends, but he never got that connection everyone else seemed to acquire at St. Aidric’s Retreat House.

It was a Friday. Everyone would be meeting right after school at St. Mary’s Church with their overnight bags and bedding. Of course, Dan was running late.

Mr. Oswald was not the meanest of teachers, but he was very anal about keeping to his rules. If you were late to class, Oswald kept you for the amount of time you were late, plus another five minutes. Dan was fifteen minutes late to Maths that last period. His locker was a mess and every time he opened it, an avalanche of loose papers erupted onto him, making him late to almost every class. Then today he was in such a haze that he began walking home instead of going to class, only to remember where he was supposed to be when he’d realized he left his car back at school. He’d been in a trance of thoughts. Dark thoughts that kept him up and intruded his mind at random moments of the day. In this case he’d been thinking about death and how he wanted to stop feeling numb but not enough, because he was numb. He wondered if he would always be this way; going through the motions, never experiencing his emotions to their full potential. He’d had chronic depression for a very long time. He almost wished he could have major depression like back in eleventh year, because then at least he could feel. He missed feeling. He had his moments, but they were never overbearing emotions that helped Dan to see the beauty of life like he used to. Dan really needed to learn to get out of his head.

Twenty minutes. Dan stayed with Mr. Oswald for twenty minutes working on extra problems and just having small talk before he made a mad-dash to his house for his bag, then back to school for his car, and finally the church.

He pulled up to the empty church parking lot. Not a Coach Bus in sight. Shit. Even people who played winter sports made sure to get out of practice so they could make it to St. Mary’s on time. Dan suddenly saw a body pass by the window of the church office. He got out of his car to see if there was a chance he wasn’t the only late one.

As he made his way up to the door, he saw him. His heart began picking up speed while he tried to take normal strides toward Phil.

“We’ve missed the bus, haven’t we?” Dan rhetorically asked in the coolest tone he could muster.

Phil was not holding back any emotions, his anxiety in his voice and on his face as he exclaimed, “I don’t know how they would not even try to call us! They do a head-count! There’s one van and one bus. It should not be that hard to keep track.” Phil seemed to have gotten his frustrations out, because he was much more relaxed when he greeted Dan with the cutest bashful smile ever, “Oh, and hi Dan.”

Dan laughed and responded with a, “Hey, Phil”, before dialing the Youth Director’s number. His nerves caused by seeing his crush had been soothed by Phil’s dorky display of emotions. How could Dan ever feel that nervous in front of Phil? Logically, it didn’t make sense. Phil could not hurt a fly. He probably felt flustered around Dan, just for the pure fact that Dan was another human being other than his best friend, PJ, and his mom. God, everything about Phil was just too endearing. Dan was in deep.

Patty, the director, was a bit annoyed with Dan and Phil’s tardiness and her husband’s failure to headcount, but she gave them an extremely reasonable compromise. She’d forgotten her prayer book in the trunk of her car along with a few activity sheets. She was just going to go without it, but she’d known Dan since he was in her pre-school class and had thought of something better. Dan would just have to retrieve her spare keys from her office, and he could drive Phil to St. Aidric’s. Then, Patty would drive her car on the way back and the boys could take the bus home with everybody else. Dan really loved that woman sometimes.

Phil set up the GPS on his phone while Dan retrieved the keys. Dan made a mental note of every wonderful interaction with Phil so he could freak out about it with his friends over text later.

Dan came back to the lobby to see Phil biting his lip with a huge gleeful smile on his face, blushing as he rapidly typed something on his phone. Dan stopped and held his breath. His crush was so adorable. He almost wanted to take a picture. He contemplated asking Phil what the excitement was all about, but felt that it was probably too intimate of a moment for him to want to share.

“Let’s go!” Dan enthused, receiving a wide smile and twinkling eyes in response. Boy, did Phil seem excited about this retreat. Maybe he was just excited about life in general. Dan didn’t feel jealous; he felt giddy about the thought of people like that just going through life full of happiness.

As soon as they got in the car, Phil pointed out the aux cord and asked Dan what kind of music he liked. Dan pondered what band to tell Phil. Dan was what he called an emo at heart, but Phil didn’t seem like the type to like his sort of music. It was just that, for Dan, knowing the music someone listened to was having the power to see into their soul. It was knowing what lyrics a person connected with when they couldn’t find the words themselves. Maybe he would tell him about Kins, doubting Phil had ever heard of the band. Instead, Dan decided to be honest by finally responding, “That’s quite the intimate question, Phil.”

Phil almost looked alarmed by the accusation before Dan explained his viewpoint. Dan wanted to get closer to Phil, so letting him into his brain was what he figured to be a good start. Phil nodded along to Dan’s explanation. Not wanting to open Dan up anymore than he wanted to, Phil decided to let Dan choose from Phil’s music. They ended up listening to Muse in silence before Phil fell asleep. Dan was disappointed, wanting to talk to him the whole time yet not knowing what to say, but Phil looked so adorable in the way he squished his face up against his window that Dan wouldn’t dream of waking him up. He sighed. _You fell asleep in my, car I drove the whole time, but that’s okay I’ll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine._

***

Only a half hour later, Dan hit a pothole, making Phil almost bump his head. “Shit,” Dan whispered. _I’m driving here I sit, cursing my government, for not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement._

“What was that?” Phil asked. His face was tinted pink.

“Nothing, sorry for waking you up.” Dan muttered.

“Oh, no. I’m sorry for falling asleep while you were driving. That was quite rude, wasn’t it?” Phil sat up, his hair flat on the side where it was pressed against the window. Dan responded dismissively, though he was glad Phil was awake.

“Oh no, I’m gonna stay awake for the rest of the ride with you. Let’s play a game!” Phil enthused.

“Like what?” Dan’s eyes were still focused on the road ahead, but the idea of Phil wanting to engage in an activity with him made his heart flutter.

“Truth or Dare?”

Dan laughed, “Phil! We can’t just play Truth or Dare in the car. Besides, what kinds of truths do you expect me to reveal when I have trouble even telling people what music I like.”

Phil begged and his eyes plead. Dan obviously couldn’t say no to him. He finally agreed and Phil dared first, having Dan call his crush. “No, Phil! You just want to get around the fact that I refuse to answer with Truth.”

Phil put on his best suave expression and deepened his voice, “You’re such a mystery, Howell.” Then laughed his twinkly laugh before nagging Dan to answer. “C’mon, it’s not that bad of a dare! It’s not like I asked you to jump out of the car.”

Dan pretended to ponder, “Hm, reveal my crush or jump out of a moving vehicle? I’ll take the latter.” Dan was half enjoying the banter and half embarrassed that his crush asked him to reveal his crush. He decided to just make someone up, calling Carrie Fletcher. Dan didn’t exactly have a crush on Carrie, but he couldn’t deny her charms and good personality. Carrie was in his small group and definitely knew of his crush on Phil. She was one of the few people Dan spoke to at Youth Group.

She answered the phone, “Yes, Dan? You aren’t lost, are you?”

“Uh, yeah. You’re still on A702, right?” Dan felt relieved to pretend to have a reason for calling. Phil had looked away when he heard Carrie’s voice on the phone. Now he was staring out the window and Dan couldn’t see his face. He heard Carrie asking someone on the bus what road they were on and she answered back with an affirmative. Dan hung up and looked at Phil expectantly, who didn’t turn around at first.

“Well,” Phil scratched his neck, looking uncomfortable, “That was anti-climatic.”

“It’s not a big deal, Phil. I don’t mind you knowing my crush.” Dan didn’t want Phil to feel like he was intruding. He just wanted the uncomfortable moment to be over.

“Yeah.” Phil gave a shy laugh, “So, let’s move on, I guess.”

Dan nodded hesitantly and asked, “Truth or Dare?” to which Phil responded with “dare”.

The game went on with trivial dares like making out with their own hands and contemplative truths such as, “Do you miss your first best friend?” to which Dan was forced to admit that he never really had a best friend. Despite being, somewhat non-purposefully, forced open like a clam shell, Dan really enjoyed his time with Phil and was looking forward to spending more time with him during the weekend.

When they arrived, the rest of the group had already set up their beds, conveniently leaving two bottom bunks left next to each other. Dan was ever so glad he pushed himself to come here, despite his depression and his bad experience with having a silent breakdown last year. Now he would be sleeping in a bed next to Phil, and if it were anything like last year, all of the boys would push the bunks together to create one giant bed. Dan was glad to be on the end last year, but now he didn’t mind that he and Phil would be in the middle, even though it might possibly leave him a shaking mess.

That was the funny thing about this rowdy Youth Group full of drinkers and children of promiscuity; the boys were more open and affectionate with each other than the girls, wanting Dan to join in their touchiness despite knowing his sexuality. Dan had always felt like an outsider here sometimes, but he knew it was only due to his personal demons and not the group itself.

Phil put his sleeping bag on the bed closer to the outside, while Dan set his bedding up alongside him. Phil waited for Dan to finish and they sat together for dinner. Dan hoped this was going to be a good weekend.

***

There were icebreaker activities, religious activities, and heart-to-heart activities. Every time Dan caught Phil’s eye, Phil would smile his adorable smile and Dan’s heart would go a flutter. _My taste in music is your face_. For fun, the whole group played ‘Toxic Bucket’, where everyone holds hands around a bin and tries to throw each other into it. If someone touches the bin, they are out. Dan wiped his hand on his jeans before holding Phil’s open hand, Phil’s facial expression expectant. Dan couldn’t wait to tell his friends of all the ways he and Phil bonded, and the way Phil actually wanted to hold his hand. Dan felt less numb in this weekend than he had in months, a huge step up from last year’s retreat. Even though it seemed almost immature for a high school crush to be the one thing to slice through the cold around his heart, Dan appreciated the feeling of _feeling_ so much that he couldn’t be bothered to care. He embraced every second that Phil made his heart race and just let himself be a teenage boy. _I’m alive_.

Phil squeezed his hand and tried to throw Dan into the bin, just as he dodged Joey’s attempt at throwing him in. Dan laughed his unadulterated laugh and Phil chuckled along with him. _I’m on fire_.

***

That night all the boys inevitably pushed their beds together. Phil giggled while Dan rolled across Phil’s bed dramatically to get to his own. All of the boys started steamrolling over each other from one end of the beds to the other, causing Phil to fall in between his and Dan’s beds, to which Dan decided to join in on the rowdiness and fall in after. A red faced Phil laughed, “Now look what you’ve done! I’m even more stuck,” but he obviously didn’t care. Dan knew this, so he only laughed in response and squished Phil’s cheeks. Suddenly there was a weight on top of Dan. He didn’t know who it was but Phil looked wide eyed as more weight was added.

“Roll under!” Dan whispered and Phil rolled under the bed to his left while Dan tried to hold up the weight of boys on his back. Dan followed so he and Phil could escape the tower of teenagers and climb back onto the giant bed. Eventually, every boy had followed Dan and Phil’s escape route and they all pushed the beds back together.

People on the ends created a blanket fort, so everyone else covered the foot of their own bed with a blanket as well. Once settled in their beds, the group relaxed and began talking about deep feelings. Dan and Phil both decided to go to sleep, Dan’s head halfway onto Phil’s pillow.

***

The next day, was Dan’s day to do a ‘talk’. ‘A talk’ in Youth Group was when certain kids were picked out in the beginning of the year to have a heart to heart with the rest of the group through mini speeches. These kids would have all year to work on their speeches, and then present them during the retreat. Dan volunteered himself to talk about his depression. Dan had practiced so much that he wasn’t even nervous. Phil didn’t know what the talk was about, but he comforted Dan at breakfast, letting him know that he’d be great and even if he spluttered, Phil would give him his hug at the end. Everyone got giant group hugs at the end of talks.

They spent the rest of the day doing fairly religious activities until Dan’s time to talk at the beginning of the evening. He sat down with his paper in his hand while the whole group sat down on the carpet in front of him, leaders standing off to the side or in plastic chairs in the back.

“People see depression as a deep sadness. But to me, it’s the inability to cope with that sadness, or just life in general. Since I was about eleven years old, I’d been dealing with chronic depression with occasional bouts of deep depression. My chronic depression is what makes me feel numb, my depressive episodes are what make me suicidal at times. These episodes are what make me lose my faith. Sometimes I feel. Sometimes I have really good days; I’ll be at the beach, deep in the ocean and just enjoying the little gifts God has to offer. But even on those days, there is something hanging over me. My own personal raincloud or a pit in my stomach. That feeling almost never goes away. That’s the numbness. That’s the thing blocking me from experiencing emotions to their full potential. When I do feel, even in major depressive episodes, I’m almost always glad it’s not the numbness. I could be crying my heart out, wishing for death and at the same time I’m reveling in the fact that I have the ability to cry.

“Something I’ve always struggled to accept in my faith is the idea that God never gives you more than you can handle. How can that be? How can that be when people are killing themselves? They obviously did not get less than they could handle. No, I do not believe that’s how God works. I believe that God gave us free choice. That means that people surrounding us have free choice as well, but there is no code on how to live. No one really knows what choices are the right choices and what choices stray far from that secret code. Time and time again, I have made the choice not to kill myself. I wonder how, in my moments of deep despair, I could possibly want to stay alive? I think it’s the little things that keep me going. Only, they’re not little things, but moments of human compassion that reflect humans as the beings that were created in the image of God. It’s the joy of watching my grandmother have a blast at Pride. It’s seeing Patty be brought back to life after her husband’s death through her passion for helping troubled teens. It’s being surrounded by my family and laughing our arses off at a joke my mum made, and realizing that God gave this family to me and I can’t have them anymore if I off myself. I’m still struggling to get by and find a way to let the reminders of God’s beauty keep me from letting myself become numb.”

Dan folded his paper. He never knew how to finish that with a positive closure. He had always made the plan to wing it, and now he knew exactly how: “I’d been experiencing numbness up until the start of this retreat. In my four years of being here, I had never been one to become enlightened from being part of this experience. Infact, my depression and religious doubt while I was here last year was so brutal that I wasn’t sure I would come this year. I’m glad I did. I am finally starting to see the light and see beauty out of things that normally might be overlooked by the average passerby. I’m letting myself be dragged into any emotion I can, even if it may seem so trivial to be feeding off the butterflies of some teenage crush. I’m feeling myself laugh wholeheartedly and enjoying every second, without any clouds hanging above. Today I can say that I am so glad to have never ended my life, because I wouldn’t have remembered the way it feels to feel so freely. I’m lucky I was able to come to this realization today, because I don’t know how I would have ended this story otherwise.”

There were some tears in the crowd at the realization that one of their own was having suicidal ideations. Phil was the first to get up to give Dan a hug. Dan took advantage of the intimate embrace before he was the center of a 40 person hug.

As more and more people let go, Phil was still clinging onto Dan. Suddenly, Dan’s neck was wet. In a spring of the moment, he kissed the tears off Phil’s cheek. Phil blushed and hugged a bit tighter before letting go. _He’s the tear in my heart._

***

That night was the Superlatives. The boys made up a superlative for every girl and the girls made up a superlative for every boy. Some of the ones they made up for girls were really rude like “Best Arse” and “Nicest Breasts” but Phil kept contributing nice ones like “Brightest Smile”, “Most Soulful Voice” and “Most Approachable”. Dan grabbed Phil’s hand and ran his thumb over it to show how endeared he was by Phil’s contributions. When they went to bed, Dan and Phil shared a pillow again, this time with Phil’s arm thrown across Dan.

The next morning the superlatives were revealed. Drew Monson: Most Likely to be Famous, Marcus Butler: Most Likely to Fall Asleep on the Toilet, Dan and Phil: Cutest Couple.

Wait, what? Phil looked at Dan with wide eyes, almost like he was afraid Dan would be disgusted with the accusation.

“We’re not exactly dating,” Phil mumbled.

Carrie, who had read aloud the list, just looked at him incredulously, “Well get on with it then!” was all she said. Dan and Phil just looked at each other and laughed, then went about their day continuing to flirt.

Later was the time for everyone to sit around in a circle and say their favorite part of the retreat and any parting words they had, saying goodbye individually to each student in their fourth year at Youth Group.  Many people told Dan and the other speakers how much their stories had touched them. Others were too shy to get sentimental in front of the whole crowd and stuck with, “Good luck! I’ll miss you!” Phil told everyone that his favorite part was Toxic Bucket and Dan said that his favorite was the dance party they had while washing dishes.

Dan and Phil sat next to each other on the bus ride home with Dan closest to the window. After about ten minutes of talking, Dan began to doze off. He later woke up to warm lips pressed to his forehead and an arm around his shoulders. His heart soared. _He’s the tear in my heart._

“Hey, Dan,” A blushing Phil greeted.

(He just kissed me. He just kissed me.) Dan knew he opened this up when he kissed away Phil’s tears, but he didn’t realize how good it would feel to be kissed back. He took the moment to reciprocate and pulled Phil in gently by the jaw.

They were kissing. Lightly at first with just lips, and then Phil was swiping his tongue across Dan’s bottom lip. Dan invited him in and Phil was exploring Dan and Dan couldn’t wait to tell his friends about this trip. _Take me higher, than I’ve ever been._

**Author's Note:**

> If you've finished this, thank you for bearing with me. You're a champ. Posting it again was kind of an incentive to write more so this isn't my legacy.


End file.
